All I wanted was a pack of gum...

So last night my work "horror story" started before I even stepped foot into the bar.

A few weeks ago my roomie and I were shopping for groceries at the local mom and pop grocery store. While we were in line the cashier shouts to us "so this is where all the [college bar] bartenders hang out!" I look around. Yupp only the two of us. And then I look at my roomie who is equally confused. We have about twenty bartenders, but I guess amongst a list of 7 others, we work the most. "Guess so" I muster out. On the way to the car I looked at my roomie and said "Who is that guy?" She's like "No clue."

So fast forward to last night when I revisit the local mom and pop to return videos and grab gum on my way to work. I get in line and the same cashier says to me "so you're not working at [college bar] tonight?" Hmm, so now he knows my schedule too. I seriously have NEVER seen this guy in my bar and I am not usually THAT bad with faces. So I tell him that I'm actually on my way to work right after I get done paying.

So as he is asking for my money he says "so are you going to hook us up with some free drinks?" By us he meant him and the bagger. So now I can't even go to the grocery store without being harassed about free drinks? I mean it's one thing to come into the bar and ask for free drinks, but now when I'm out in public I'm being asked too? And let me point out the ironic fact here. I'm paying you for gum while you are asking me for free drinks? I don't see you offering me a free pack of gum, do I? No.

So I say no I can't do that because recently people were fired for doing that, and there are cameras that monitor such behavior, etc. And he has the nerve to say "Ohhhh but come on..." Really? I just told you that I would be FIRED if I gave your cheap ass a free drink and you are still asking me? So I tell him no and that I need to get to work.

And then the bagger chimes in. "So is there REALLY a cover on Thursday nights? Why do you do that?" So clearly he knows the answer to the first question. And folks, it's a dollar. Gather some change together and suck it up. So I look at him and say "I'm not sure why you keep assuming I'm the person who is making these prices and cover charges, but I'm not. As for the cover, it's been that way for about a year now, and I'm not sure why the OWNER decided to do it."

So then I get asked a third time for something free. "So can we say you're name at the door so they'll let us in for free." Yeah, no. This is not some club where everyone stands at the door and the VIPS go through the red velet rope like you see in the movies. And at this point I was certainly NOT giving either one of them my name. So I tell him NO, and if they wanted a free cover pass they can go to Bingo (where it is put on people's cars). And a fourth time. "So you don't have any free passes you can give us?" Now I'm late and pretty annoyed. So I say as much and then start heading out the door.

And then the cashier yells at me and says "Oh we're not trying to be mean, we're just asking." Oh yeah you're just asking FOUR times for free crap at the bar I work at when I'm at your establishment trying to buy a pack of gum. Leave me the heck alone. And this is why I despise small towns.

bizarre complaints

I've had my fair share of "weird" complaints from customers and two in particular stick out in my mind.

The first one is a rather short encounter because I fought the urge to argue with this imbecile for very long. For a time, on Thursday nights we had a blue beer. And, yes, I'm talking bright neon blue. And we called it shocker, even classier, I know. It was only one dollar for a draft, though. I understood why people were a little taken aback by its colorful nature. And I even explained to them that it was just food coloring and it tasted like coors light. (wherein it was actually keystone dyed blue.. but that we were NOT allowed to say).

Eventually, I got a little fed up.. I mean customers were toting around the blue beers and most had been drinking them all night. So when someone decided to complain I just let them know that everyone else had been drinking them and they were just fine.

So here comes the imbecile. I'm busily serving the drunks that are now swarming the bar, as it is late into the night. People are waving dollars bills in my face like they are trying to wave down a taxi cab that is speeding past them. As I'm serving one guest, I feel a grab on my arm.. that was his first mistake. "Don't touch me, I'll be with you in a minute".. I say without even looking in his direction. "But hey.. I have a problem with my drink." (Second mistake because now I label him as a diva customer.) "OK! Well, too bad wait your turn".

I finish up with my guest and head in the arm grabber's direction. "Ok, how can I help you?" "Well I got this.." he says pointing to his blue beer.. "But there's nothing in it." "Um.. sir"... clearly baffled by his comment. "That's beer." "Yeah, but no.. there's nothing in it". To which I tell him "look it's BEER. I can't even hate you enough to not pour alcohol into that because it's pre-made. All I do is pour it." "Yeah well it tastes like there is nothing in it." "Well that's impossible because it's BEER." "Well, I don't like it." "Well, that sucks." And I walk away to another guest. I can feel his stare on me the entire time I make my way around the bar. Finally I get back to his group and ask if they need anything. He then drops his blue "not" beer into the trash and says "bud lite". Fine. I hope he tastes the beer in this one.

Next I have a similar story. I can not fathom how a person has the nerve to walk up to the bartender and say there is not any alcohol in a drink. One, it makes you look like an alcoholic because I (and you) know that there is alcohol in there. Two, you are accusing me of stealing from you and that pisses me off. If you think that I poured you a Pepsi and then charged you for the liquor that's not in it, then that means you think I stole from you. Third if you think that you're going to get a third shot in your drink for no price at all, you're out of your mind. I put the same amount of liquor in everyone's drink. Our boss doesn't even trust us, so he took away our free pourers and I use pourers that measure the shots. So there is no way for me to not put enough alcohol in your drink.

So I'm serving the cocktail waitresses one night and she brings up this customer with her. The fact that she brought him up to me and not to the manager is her fault because I'm not on damage control, I'm just the bartender. He apparently wanted to watch me pour his drink because he didn't think there was enough in it. Rightly, I was angry at him for accusing me of not doing my job well.. and for coming up and "watching" me. So I scoop his ice in his cup and I tell him "are you ready?.. So here I pour the whiskey... see that TWO SHOTS. Ok now here comes the gun. See now this is the Pepsi button. And now I'm pushing that and .. WOW! There's you're drink". As you can tell, I was a bit over the top in my performance.

Now since I showed him this like I would show a kindergartner how I tied their shoe.. I figured he got it, silly me. Now he decides to throw out the most ludicrous complaint I have ever heard and probably will ever hear. He tells me "this still doesn't taste like there is any alcohol in it." Ok. "Well, clearly your taste buds suck. But you saw me pour it in there so you can't argue with that." "Well, yea I saw you pour that bottle into the cup.. but that doesn't mean there is alcohol in there." "So you think that I filled up that bottle of alcohol with something that looks alot like whiskey because I knew you were going to come up here and complain that you couldn't taste it and I wanted to get back at you." He looks at me and firmly says "yupp". So now aside from bartender, I'm also a thief, a psychic, and a magacian.

If you have a better more deranged complaint than that I'd love to hear it. As for now my paranoid, alcholic jerkward takes first place in that department.

After that I told him to not come up to the bar anymore. And he did. Of course. The weird thing about him was that throughout our whole conversation he had this pleased look on his face. Like the more insane he sounded, the madder I got, and the happier that made him. And then he kept coming up to the bar and yelling my name and then waving and smiling when he caught my eye. Clearly, mocking me. (And don't get me started on how he learned my name.. isn't it like a cemented rule that when a customer.. especially one who is going to complain .. asks for the name of a co-worker .. you as the worker would either tell the customer you don't know or some fake name??? I always did that for my fellow co-workers). Anyway, I was just shocked by his happiness in someone else's misery. I couldn't fathom how he got pleasure out of insulting, undermining, and ridiculing me. And then I realized he was a sociopath.

pet peeves

I wanted to share some of pet peeves with you. (just a thought here.. but I wonder where the term "pet peeves" came from.. hmm.. maybe a google search later, anywayyy...)

We'll have specials on cans. For instance, they will be 2.25. And someone will come up and ask for a bottle. I so graciously tell them that cans are on special and they could save 50 cents. Most people take the can instead. There are the few people that scoff at the cans and say "No, I asked for a bottle."

Well, ok smartass I know what you asked for, I'm just trying to save you some money. The thing is this person who doesn't care about this 50 cent difference.. like it's chump change (but it can add up) will never tip, never. But those that get the can will almost always at least leave the seventy-five cents. It's not that big of a deal since I'm just opening a bottle for them.. but it just annoys me that they are willing to buy on average five bottles.. spending an extra 2.50 but can't leave the quarter they get back as a tip.

This even happens when we have mixed drink specials.. where someone can save a few dollars every time. They apparently have enough money to get a better type of liquor (most of our specials are on the cheaper liquors).. but don't have enough money to tip.

One of my other pet peeves involves tips too.. I see a pattern here. The thing about it is.. sometimes I understand that people can't tip. If I'm only giving one beer every like half hour.. and you wait patiently.. and you thank me.. and you don't leave me a tip.. I can understand. What bothers me is when a customer goes out of there way to discuss with me why they can't tip me.. because then it gets awkward.

I had a guy say "I'm waiting for my scholarship money to come in and then I promise I'll tip you." What am I supposed to say to that? First, you're pointing out that you come in here every night and don't tip me. You're telling me that you think it's ok that you don't pay for my services even though I always know what you want and pretty much have it ready the second you walk up to the bar. It's insulting to point that out to me.

Second, I am now supposed to say the obligatory "that's ok". The thing is.. if it became an understanding between me and customers that it's ok that they don't tip me then I wouldn't make any money at all. And if I tell you it's ok.. then why shouldn't it be ok for everyone?

Here's the thing.. if you can afford to spend a few more bucks on a drink and scoff at the specials, then you can certainly afford to tip me. And if you're not going to tip me please don't point it out because then it puts me in an awkward position.


***On a side note I wanted to thank the people who are reading my blog, commenting on my blog, putting my blog on their blog roll, and following my blog. It's extremely flattering and humbling that have people enjoy (or have any reaction really) to my stories.. and I appreciate it!

but that means I get a free shot, right? WRONG.

Some of this story was relayed to me by another employee:

On homecoming the main bar was a mess. It was the only bar that would take credit cards and our ATM machine decided to run out of money.. which is never good for anyone involved. You can imagine that since all the college drunks had been guzzling all day long.. that they had run out of money by now and were resorting to using their mom and dad's credit cards. Needless to say, the main bar was crowded and people were drunk and demanding.

One of my fellow bartender was trying to do her job as quickly as possible. She was having a little trouble doing that because one of her guests thought it would be a good idea to lean on her register to get her attention. She couldn't see what she was putting in to the register or the totals and he was really ticking her off. She told him to back up and he moved over. She took his order and served him the round of shots he ordered.

Then guess where he ended up? Back to leaning on her register. This time she was really ticked off because he was leaning so hard that he pushed the register. It almost fell off the bar, so she quickly pushes it back to it's place. Well this moron had put the shots on the small space that was left on the bar behind the register. The shots not only spilled, they spilled all over his clothes. He assumed this entitled to him... you guessed it... free shots. She didn't want to hear it.

She went about serving other people and another bartender walked down and asked them what they needed to drink because they were now leaning forward and shouting down the bar. She opened up a can of worms. He yelled the whole story to her and said "That girl is a bitch. You must not like her very much either becuase she's a bitch." Not a good way to get yourself a free shot buddy. All the bartenders here are friends. So you just called her friend a bitch. So the bartender said "Actually she's my FRIEND and you need to take this up with her because I'm not getting involved." And walked away.

For the rest of the night they leaned on her register and covered the totals every time she used the register. Then they began rubbing their hands together near her face so that she could see they were "sticky". Maybe they wouldn't be covered in shots if they didn't shove the register off the bar and almost knock it over.

Now skip to Monday night when I hear a man overtalking. He said "this weekend some bitch bartender spilled shots all over me and then wouldn't give me new ones". I just laughed because one... he was STILL bitching about this.. and two... he obviously was too drunk or stupid to remember the WHOLE story.. just the side that makes it look like we don't know how to do our jobs. Looks like he'll be waiting extra long the next time he wants to be served.

a change of pace

Today I came into work thinking that I was working 4 to 8 and then last on main bar later tonight. Then someone called in sick and I got stuck at the bar all day.

Since I was now scheduled four to close I asked for a quick break to get some food. Well, the manager was whoknowswhere and kept telling me to go ahead and eat. Well, that didn't work out too well when people kept coming up to the bar. So I ate in between trying to serve people and it was such a mess.

Finally, he told me to head back to the private party. For some reason the people in the party thought it started at 6 so they had been back there for an hour. So I went back there ready to begin. Well, there was no cash in my register so I had to come back up and ask the manager for a register. He was "busy" talking to an employee and said he would get to it.

Meanwhile I have to help out at the main bar because there are people waiting and no bartender. I help for about ten minutes and then I tell the manager that I really need to get back there. Then he decides to yell at me and tell me he'll get to it when he can and that even though our clock reads 7:05 (because we run our clock ten minutes fast to make sure people are out by one) that the party really hasn't started. I was extremely angry for getting yelled at. Seriously, stop talking and do your job.

At 7:15 I ended up in the private bar where we hold parties. It was a nice change of pace because it was an older crowd. But along with that, meant a lot less drinks to make and a lot less tips.

At the peak there were about forty people partying it up at their reunion. It was a unique reunion, though, because it was for a grade school that is now shut down. It was open for about thirty years and everyone who attended the grade school was invited. So there was every age from forty to geezer. There was one point when I was serving someone that I was wondering if he would take one sip and then keel over. I can't believe a seventy year old can still handle a jack and coke.

Some of the guests wanted to order some food so I went ahead and took their order even though I wasn't supposed to be waitressing for them. There is a table who wants to order so I take it. The man tells me he wants two sandwiches. Then the second lady tells me she needs a separate ticket and wants another sandwich and then finally a third lady wants an appetizer.

So I put it back and have my security guy go give them their tickets and collect the money because I was busy making drinks. He comes back and tells me that the man said he ordered for the second lady and that she wasn't supposed to have a ticket at all. Funny, because she specifically told me she wanted a separate ticket. So now it's my fault that they decided to NOT communicate and order one sandwich twice. Seriously if you're going to order for someone it would be a good idea to tell them so that the other person doesn't order for herself. They will only pay for one of the sandwiches and now I have an extra sandwich on my hands.. plus an over ring on my register.

The best thing is that even though I go through all that trouble for them.. they don't tip a cent. Next time I am working a party I will tell them that I am not paid to be their waitress because I certainly don't work for free.

At one point, someone decided to take charge of our cd player since the music from the main bar does not go into the private bar. She decided to become a music diva. She was at the cd player about every five minutes either changing the cd, switching a song or changing the volume. It was very annoying.

At about 11 everyone started packing up and heading out and I was scheduled to go on the main bar. Well, a group of about ten people decided to play who can stay up the longest and sat in the private bar until close. Between 11 and 1 am I made them only two rounds. So that equates to a lot of sitting around and very little tips. I have never been so bored.

So instead of moving inside the main bar and making seventy bucks I got to sit in the private bar and make about 7 in those two hours. It sucked.

a bar full of campers

Tonight I was on duty at our back bar. Last year this bar used to be the spot to go when the main bar was busy. When people walked in they could see that there wasn't much of a line back there. Unfortunately, a storage unit was built on that side of the door.. so now anybody walking in can see us.

Well if that isn't enough, tonight when I came in there was a table like two feet from the front of my bar. If anything kills business at the bar it is a row full of people sitting on their stools blocking the bar.

Then a group of people walk up and put a "beer keg" on the bar and block the only six inches I have left. The beer keg is a huge plastic container that we fill up with draft beer. It's essentially our best deal. So now I have people, coats, and a beer keg sitting on my bar, and nobody ordering from me.

I ask the group that if people come up to the bar could they move their beer keg so that I am able to get serve people. Their response? Well, we're alumnae. AND? Last week was homecoming week, this week is not. So I repeat myself and they just gripe at me and say it's not busy yet. And I tell them that's because nobody can get to the bar with their beer keg their.

So then I start telling my bar back about the group of campers. They finally move but not without threatning me by letting know that they would be giving me most of my service, so I should not have made them leave. Really? You just put a beer keg on my bar that you DIDN'T buy from me.. and are blocking me from selling anything to anyone else. I really doubted they would be buying anything from me since they had about an hour and a half to go through about 20 beers.

One of them actually did come up to order TWICE. The first time he ordered a drink, and after receiving his change threw their quarter at me. Classy. The second time the same guy came up and asked me for two shots of jack. As I'm pouring them he says "It would be really great if you could make one of those crown". Ok moron, well the next time you're ordering ask for a shot of jack and a shot of crown instead of making me waste a shot of jack.

After he takes his shot he hauls it to the bathroom. Apparently he was puking because one of security guys came up to him when he returned and told him he needed to leave. He argued with him for a few minutes and then walked out the door. We have a strict you puke, you leave policy.

Well a few minutes later my bar back asks the security guy "Isn't that the same guy you just kicked out"? Sure was. He changed shirts. So the security guy tells him that he really needs to get out and stay out. And he says that he wants to talk to the manager. The manager tells him to just get out. Haha, karma.

How hard is it to JUST do your job?

Alright, you’ll have to stick with my through a brief explanation. On Thursday-Saturday our bar uses a cocktail bartender. This bartender JUST helps cocktail waitresses. You can imagine that when he helps other customers he is taking away from our register totals. Totals=percentage tipped out.

Now, it was extremely slow tonight. There were only three bartenders on, usually there are four. So, on my side I had the cocktail bartender. He was helping people (other than the cocktails) before I got put on. That in and of itself, ticked me off. He was helping people and therefore I (the second bartender) didn’t get put on until 11:30 because it wasn’t “busy enough”. Yeah, of course not when you have a bartender who isn’t supposed to bartend helping everyone.

Ok. So I get put on. I have nobody to serve. I see the cocktail bartender serving someone. I tell him that I can take that order. He says ok. Next customer, he tries to help as well. I tell him to stop serving people because I have nobody to serve. His response? Well, I am not pocketing the tips. Well, congratulations. Because NOBODY pockets tips. I explained to him that the more he helped the less I was able to put on my register. And our register totals determine our tip outs. So he puts the money in my register. And I think he has it figured out.

I was wrong. Every time there was more than one person waiting he would help them. Hi, I am a bartender and I know how to serve more than one person at a time. I was getting so annoyed at him. He started putting the money from customers in my register. First of all, this is unfair to the other bartenders who are trying to make money on their register. Second, let them wait one freaking second so I can serve them. He was taking people as soon as they walked up. I would literally be giving someone change and turn around to take an order and he would be like put five dollars on your register. No. Just let me serve my customers.

So if that wasn’t enough. He was telling me how much he was getting. For example. when I was walking around looking for customers and someone walks up to the bar.. he races me to the customer and because he is like a whole foot taller than me ..he gets to them first. He tells me to put rumplemintz in my register and then says “Well they’ve been tipping me like five bucks all night”. I take the bottle from him and tell him I can handle it. Ugh.

So we go to count tips and guess how many fives I found? ZERO. Seriously, you are either lying and trying to get me to tip you out ..which I am NOT going to do because I could have served everyone two seconds after he did if he would have just given me a second. Or you were pocketing the five bucks. Either way, you’re an ass.

I understand he was trying to help. But all he was doing.. Was giving me NOTHING to do.. And making it unfair for all of the bartenders working. I mean, really, how hard is it to JUST do your job? It's a fairly easy description. Cocktail bartender=serve the cocktails and NOBODY else.